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From: WAYNE SWENEY, wsweney@dmi.net {original author? Don't know.}
New Microsoft Product: Microsoft Corporation today announced its
intent to purchase all copyrights to, and upgrade God Himself. The
new product would be named, predictably enough, Microsoft God, and
would be available to consumers sometime before the millenium,
possibly as early as late 1998. ''Too many people feel separated from
God in today's world,'' said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's
new Religions division. ''Microsoft God will make Our Lord more
accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him,
making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.''
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including a complete
range of option products. The following dynamically loaded option
packages will be available: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion
product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from
previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or
Allah. Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties
Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making Our
Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser
interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including
Dynamic Salvation Assistant (DSA) and Active Prayer Pages (APP).
Donations for the poor can be transmitted via a Secure Alms Server
(SAS). Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface,
this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in
a minimum of time. Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types
of prayers with a minimum learning curve. And, new Secure Prayer
Channel (SPC) technology allows guaranteed complete security in the
delivery of even your most private prayers to Microsoft God servers.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the
product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear
line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance
the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new
Microsoft God product line in much the same way as the previous God
Himself application. The interface options are expected to include
Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism
(incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. IN OTHER NEWS: Competitor
Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a
competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to close the
Gates and render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
________________________________________________________________
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Wade T. Smith
morbius@channel1.com | "There ain't nothin' you
wade_smith@harvard.edu | shouldn't do to a god."
morbius@cyberwarped.com |
******* http://www.channel1.com/users/morbius/ *******